Precious little baby

Here is another picture of Anthony Jr. and my mother's hand. Look at how small his foot is!! I hope I get to meet him soon. We're trying to think of a nickname for the baby since my brother's name is Anthony too. Alexander wants to call him AJ, for Anthony Junior. I think that name is so boring. I want to call him Ace, you know like how Father Miller calls guys Ace? If I don't get to call him Ace I'm just going to call him Anthony. I suppose I should ask my brother and Leah what they think.

Baby pic

Here is a picture of Anthony Jr. I hope to have more soon. Please keep up the prayers.

New Baby

My nephew, Anthony Ross Arnett Jr., was born today. He weighs 15.5 ounces and is 11 inches long. He has already been baptized and the doctors say he is healthy and happy. Obviously he has a long road ahead of him until he gets out of the hospital, but things look good so far. I can't wait to meet him, but I know that I'll have to wait a while. I'll try to post pictures when I can. Thanks for all your prayers!!!

Going Batty

Well, the semester ended Friday and I thought that I would be able to sleep in after that. But Saturday I had to get up early to exercise. Sunday we were in Ft. Wayne visiting David's parents. Monday we had to get up early to go back to Lafayette. Tuesday I was woken up by the mutant children down the street. So I thought I would finally get a good night's sleep last night. I opened the window so the breeze would blow in and keep me cool. Well, I didn't know this, but there is a space where the window frame and the screen do not meet perfectly and leaves a crack.(Surprise! Something wrong with a Godby apartment!)Anyhow, as I was just about to fall asleep David lunged awake and said, I think there's a bird in our room. Sure enough there was something flying quickly in circles near the ceiling of our room. However, this "bird" was really a bat!!!!I immediately turned into a girly girl, squealed, covered my entire body with the blanket and told David to go get it. The bat flew out of our room and into the living room with David in hot pursuit. I spent the next half hour covered in bed while David was out in the living room throwing bean bags at the bat, which had perched itself on the woodwork of our high ceilings. I think the bat was probably laughing.

David said the bat would not leave the living room and the best thing to do would be to close the bedroom door, go to sleep, and get the bat in the morning. Well, our bedroom door does not close correctly (again, big surprise). In order for it to close all the way, you have to put your entire body weight into it and then when it closes, the seal is almost air tight. David did this and we tried to get back to sleep. Unbeknownst to us, the bat had actually flown back in our room and we shut it in. About a half hour later, David lunged awake again and we saw the bat doing circles around the room. David wrenched the door open, which was hard to do, and let the bat out again. By this time I'm freaking out. I completely covered myself with the blanket and told David to go get the bat. I told David to get the broom and get the bat out that way. David chased the bat to our entryway where he swatted at it for about a half hour. He said he had to jump and swat with the broom at the same time because the bat was flying so high. Damn those high ceilings! He finally got a direct hit and stunned the bat enough that it fell to the floor and did not move. David then swept the bat out of the apartment and on the the front porch where he flew away a couple of minutes later. Then we finally were able to get some sleep.

So, to make a long story short, we will be getting an AC this summer instead of leaving the windows open, and I will try again tonight and tomorrow morning to get a good night's sleep.

Prayers Needed!!!

Dear Friends,

As some of you know, my sister-in-law, Leah, is pregnant. She has recently had problems with her blood pressure skyrocketing because of a problem with her blood vessels that she did not know she had before she was pregnant. This extremely high blood pressure is called preeclampsia. When preeclampsia occurs it disrupts blood flow to the placenta and the baby can't get enough nutrients to grow. Her Preeclampsia has gotten so bad that she has to be in the hospital until she delivers the baby. The problem is that she is only 23 weeks pregnant and the doctors say it is doubtful that she will even make it to 28 weeks before they have to induce. If they don't induce it is possible that both Leah and the baby could die from the high blood pressure. Of course, if they induce too early, it is still possible that the baby could die because he is so small. He only weighs 12 ounces right now. I am so scared and I know the rest of my family is too. Please, please, please pray for my brother, my sister-in-law, and my unborn nephew, even if it's just one small, quick prayer.

Finals week update

I have written 48 pages in the last eight days. I did not have any of my papers started as of last tuesday night. I'm going a little crazy. If I have spoken to you in the past couple of days and have seemed a little um....out of it or perhaps crazed, this is why. For the past two days I've had an on again off again headache in the back, top left side of my head. My vision has been bluring a little when I sit down to look at the computer. I think all of this is just due to strain on my eyes, but who knows? Maybe I have a paper induced tumor. But it will all be over tomorrow when I turn in the last eight pages of my college paper writing career. This will bring my page count up to 56 pages in nine days. I know that doesn't sound like much when you average it out to 6.222222222222222222222222222 pages a day,but believe me it was a lot. I'm not promising these papers are masterpieces, but I think they do meet and fill the requirements asked of me, and that's all I care about right now.

The Best Part of Wakin' Up

As my next door neighbor and good friend Anne explained a couple of posts ago on her blog, we live in an interesting neighborhood. In fact, my all time favorite rap group, Bone Thugs N Harmony, might describe our neighborhood as a little "thuggish ruggish". I don't know what this means, but I've heard them say it in a number of their songs, and I take it to mean some sort of descriptive term for a 'hood or one's way of life. Now, it's not like we live in inner-city Chicago or even or even inner-city FT. Wayne for that matter. Just kidding David. But we do live in "Godbyville", a one block string of old houses that were converted to apartments and owned by people named Godby. It's in North Central Lafayette, or NCL, as all my home fries like to call it. Anyhow, you could guess that these apartments might draw people who live the "thuggish ruggish" lifestyle. And they do. Lately, there has been a couple who can't seem to agree on anything. And when they can't agree, the man seems to think that he should solve the problem by going outside and yelling as loud as he can. The worst part is that this usually happens at 7:00 am. Who has the energy to have a fight at 7:00 am? And usually fights don't break down into yelling for at least a half an hour, so this means that these people started fighting at 6:30. They must just wake up, roll over, and start fighting.

Well, the last little disturbance went something like this:

Woman- something inaudible from inside apartment
Man- (from outside apartment) Fuck you too! I've been too nice to you.

That's how I woke up Monday morning, so at first I wasn't thinking very nice things about this man. Yet, the more I started thinking about the rules of etiquette, I realized that this was probably a very proper gentleman. Let's review! I got all these rules from a social etiquette website.

1. Be Polite

Remember when you are in a social situation it is important to always be polite and respectful of other guests even if you vehemently disapprove of certain comments or other individuals are not being polite.

This guy did mention that he had been "too nice", which is firm evidence of his politeness.

2. Personal space

Allowing individuals their personal space is important in all conversations, but especially in social etiquette conversation. This allows you to seem interested, polite and respectful of the other individual which are all social requirements.

This guy was allowing plenty of personal space. He was all the way outside.

3.Keep it Short

In social situations it is always important to understand the nature of social etiquette conversation and keep conversations short and socialize with everyone present. If you have a long, in depth conversation with certain individuals they might be resentful because they are interested in exchanging pleasantries with everyone in attendance.

This man kept it to two sentences.

4. Keep Words Simple and Understandable

During the course of a conversation, it is proper to ensure that each sentence or phrase that a speaker would deliver is understood. A listener will normally ask questions from time to time. This means that there are points in the message that he does not readily understand meaning that further explanation of some meanings and implications must be clarified before the speaker is to go on and deliver the entire message.

Fuck. You. Too. I think that's understandable enough.

5. Volley the Conversation

Good conversation is a volley, a tennis volley. You say something, and they will say something, back and forth. Neither of you should hog the conversation.

It is obvious from the "too" in the man's statement that he was just trying to volley the conversation back to the woman.

This man followed the major rules of conversation etiquette, so you can imagine my surprise when I went out to catch the bus and found a police car in front of his apartment. I guess some people just don't appreciate good and proper conversation.

News from Benedict XVI

In the Holy Father's recent apostolic exhortation, entitled Sacramentum Caritatis, we read again how he is trying to restore the use of liturgical Latin and Gregorian chant:

In order to express more clearly the unity and universality of the Church, I wish to endorse the proposal made by the Synod of Bishops, in harmony with the directives of the Second Vatican Council, that, with the exception of the readings, the homily and the prayer of the faithful, it is fitting that such liturgies be celebrated in Latin. Similarly, the better-known prayers of the Church's tradition should be recited in Latin and, if possible, selections of Gregorian chant should be sung. Speaking more generally, I ask that future priests, from their time in the seminary, receive the preparation needed to understand and to celebrate Mass in Latin, and also to use Latin texts and execute Gregorian chant; nor should we forget that the faithful can be taught to recite the more common prayers in Latin, and also to sing parts of the liturgy to Gregorian chant. (http://xprex.stblogs.org/)

All I have to say is YAY! I wonder how Ol' Higi is going to squirm his way out of this one.

On a side note- I've just finished one paper and have two more to go.

April Showers

This is perhaps one of the worst spring days to decide to wear sandals. I tried to tell myself today that if I approach my pain and suffering, no matter how slight, with the right attitude, then I would benefit from it. That attitude being that Christ suffered and died for all my sins and the sins of all the world. Therefore, I should be able to walk through a couple of big puddles with half shod feet,and perhaps give this suffering up to Christ. Therefore, my commute from one campus building to another today has been filled with stoic teeth clenching punctuated by frantic sissy squeals and shivers. I'm such a wimp.

Monica's Intrigue and Espionage Quiz

Well, finals week is coming soon and this will probably be my last post for a week or two. I want to talk today about the qualities that would make one a good spy, or conversely, a good bad guy. This is inspired by the new James Bond flick, Casino Royale. It is one of my favorite Bond movies of all time and certainly better than anything that smarmy Pierce Brosnan did. The chase scene at the beginning of this movie was particularly cool. With that being said, I present to you Monica's Intrigue and Espionage Quiz: Casino Royale style.

How do you know if you would make a good spy? There are several questions one must ask themselves when considering a career in espionage. For example-

Do you have a chiseled face and even more chiseled abs?

Do you find that people want to have sex with you wherever you go?

Have you ever been in multiple car chases and or crashes in the same day?

Have you ever had to difibrillate yourself because some stone cold fox poisoned your martini?

Have you ever engaged in a fist fight, gun battle, or swordplay with a Russian? Did you win?

Are you good at poker?

Have you saved more than three structures from blowing up? Alternately, have you blown up more than three structures?

Do you have a totally, totally, totally, awesome car? Does it have weapons attached to it?

If you answered "yes" to 4 of these questions, you might make a good spy. If you answered "yes" to 6 or more of these questions, you are probably already a spy.

Now let's see if you would make a good bad guy-

Are you French?

Do you fund international terrorists (those who buy Heinz products excluded)?

Do you have an eye problem? Problems can include excessive tearing, a patch, astigmatism, etc.

Are you good at math?

Even though you are kind of ugly, do you have an extremely hot wife who stays out all hours of the night?

Do you go by your last name even though your last name is really hard to pronounce?

Do you leave the only gun you own in the top drawer of your desk even though you know people are constantly trying to kill you?

Is it true that all your friends and family really know about your job is that you "help people do things"?

Has anyone ever put a tracking device in your asthma inhaler?

If you answered "yes" to 4 of these questions, you might be a bad guy. If you answered "yes" to six or more of these questions, you are definitely a bad guy.

I hope this little quiz had helped you sort out your place in life.

Sigh....

Sigh. That's all. Tuesday hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm totally bummin'

Shirley Homemaker... or whatever her name is

It is now my blogging style to look at neat little quizzes, tests, and series of questions from other people's blogs and then copy off of these people and put the same little tests on my own blog. It has no originality whatsoever. The following was inspired by, okay directly lifted from, Anne's blog. It's about what type of homemaker you are,or more likely how good you at being one. Prepare to be amazed!

Aprons- Y/N?
Yes, I do think they are restrictive and probably a modern form of a torture device invented by men to keep their wives in place. I assume that's what a question like "Aprons?" means. Right?

Baking- Favorite things to bake:
Um...Alaska. Yeah... baked Alaska

Clothesline-Y/N?
Not anymore... but when I was younger I used to do it to my brother all the time. My mom would always yell at me and tell me I was going to crush my brother's windpipe.

Donuts- Have you ever made them?
Yes, I actually have. When I was an undergraduate I used to frequent this coffee shop that was open 24/7, and it had a bunch of stoners who worked the late shifts. I befriended these people and at three or four in the morning they would let me and my friends come behind the counter to make the donuts that they would sell the next morning. It was good times!

Every day- One homemaking thing you do every day.
Well, like an AA member trying not to drink, I just try to take homemaking one day at a time. My daily homemaking task is to turn to comforter on the bed the right way before I go to sleep so my feet don't stick out in the middle of the night. This little task annoys David to no end. He can sleep with the blanket facing any direction.

Freezer- Do you have a separate deep freeze?
No, and our regular freezer is basically filled with "Lean Gourmet" frozen dinners.

Garbage Disposal- Y/N?
We don't have one but that really doesn't stop David and me from treating the sink like we do have one. I think that's what this question means. If it's asking if we take out the garbage, then yes, we do. And by "we" I mean David.

Handbook- What is your favorite homemaking resource?
Hmmm... I own so many homemaking handbooks that it's really hard to decide.

Ironing- Love it or hate it?
Well, I don't own an iron and I don't think you could call what I do with an iron actual "ironing." For me it's more like "wrinkle relocation." I always get rid of the wrinkles that were there initially but not without putting new ones elsewhere on the garment.

Junk Drawer- Y/N? Where is it?
Yes, usually it's the living room. The entire living room.

Kitchen: Design and Decorating-
I've tried to go with the bottles of alcohol and penguin cookie jar theme. I think I've pulled it off really well.

Love- what is your favorite part of homemaking?
The part where I clean the apartment and the next day it looks just as bad as it did the day before. It's like letting a ray of light into my heart.

Mop- Y/N?
I seriously thought at first that this question was asking if I owned one. I felt pretty good because I do. But then I realized that it was probably asking if I liked it or how often I do it. Considering that I've been using the mop bucket as a target to chip golf balls into the past couple of weeks, I would say that I don't mop very regularly according to normal standards.

Nylons- wash by hand or in the washing machine?
You can wash nylons?

Oven- Do you use the window or open the door to check?
Check what? Oh right, all the baked Alaska I've been baking. I'll go with door because I have no window light, but It's a really scary prospect. When David was at Wabash he had this homicidal oven that would not light when it was supposed to. It would just fill up with gas and then when he went to open the door the flame would light and massive fire balls would shoot out. It was like scenes from "Backdraft." So I'll probably always be worried about that until we live in a place with a new-ish oven.

Pizza- what do you put on yours?
Better question: "Pizza- what does this have to do with homemaking?" Well, I don't make any pizza because David is allergic to wheat and if I made a pizza for myself and he was around, it is very likely that he would have to go on antidepressants. When I go out with friends for pizza, I like pepperoni, onion, and mushroom.

Quiet- what do you do during the day to get a quiet moment-
I reflect on my inner goddess while facing toward Chicago, where Oprah lives.

Recipe box- Y/N?
I did own one once because I found that the plastic ones are a great place to keep my Latin vocab flash cards.

Style of House-
Um.. for what I currently live in? Think of Brideshead and then imagine the exact opposite.

Tablecloths and napkins- Y/N.
I won't touch any linens that have under a 300 thread count.

Under the sink- organized or toxic wasteland?
It's fine I think.

Vacuum- How many times per week?
I actually like to vacuum. The vacuum I have now is an old one that my mom gave to my brother and then my brother gave it to me. When Anthony gave it to me he said "I'm not sure if there's a bag in there." That was last summer and I've been too afraid to look. My aunt on the other hand owns one of those Dyson vacuums, which are like the Mercedes of vacuums. She told me how much it costs, and all I'm going to say is that it cost about as much as we payed for our truck.

Wash- how many loads of laundry do you do per week?
I'd say two loads every two weeks. We don't have a washing machine, so I go over to my parents on Saturdays when David is at work and do the laundry then.


X's- Do you keep a daily list of things to do that you cross off?
Yeah.. it usually looks something like this:
Wake up- check
Don't forget to teach Latin- check
Learn about something boring in my classes- check
Try not to vomit on the bus ride home- check mostly
Read or ignore excessive amounts of reading for my classes- check

Yard- Y/N. Who does what?
We don't have a yard, but we do have a little patch of grass outside our apartment. I usually chip golf balls out there (see mop question for further details) and David usually stays out of the "yard". The Godby's crazy maintenance man, Chris, does the mowing.

Zzz's- What is your last homemaking task for the day before going to bed?
Trying to straighten that aforementioned blanket so my feet aren't exposed to the cold.

Well, that was fun and pretty much true. I actually will be interested to see how my answers change in 5 years. Probably it will be mostly the same except for replacing the "classes routine" with the "yelling at the kids routine."

Paper Writing

On the last post I forgot to thank everyone who prayed for me about my MA exam. Thanks everyone!!! Now that that is over I have a false sense of relaxation setting in. I feel like everything is almost done even though I haven't started in on my three final papers yet, and I know I also have two final exams to prepare for. Today on the bus ride to campus I told Peter that I planned to write one paper this weekend, one paper next weekend, and one paper the following weekend. The papers are due on the 24th, 30th, and 2nd. Now that I've announced these plans, I had better get to it. Here are the papers I'll be writing and in this order:

1. Desiring the seen: "ocular proof" in Othello and Hamlet. This one is about how both Othello and Hamlet want postive visual confirmation before they act. Othello wants to see Desdimona cheat and Hamlet wants to be sure that the ghost he sees is real and that of his father.

2. Augustinian influence in John Donne's "An Elegy upon the Untimely Death of the Incomparable Prince Henry" This one is about how Donne takes directly from "City of God" to prove points about faith and reason in the face of catastrophic human events, such as the death of a future king.

3. Latin Calque phrases in Old English. This paper points out that when English was just forming, many phrases (especially religious and theological)were taken directly from Latin and translated word for word into Old English. Example- "Viri Dei" became "Godes Folces". This is a big deal because the Anglo Saxons could have just made up a new word or words for these phrases, but they didn't. They tried to fit Latin phrases into the same internal structure while changing the letters or morphemes in to Old English. It's pretty neat stuff.

So, that's what I'll be doing the next few weekends. Of course, I already have plans to play golf with David, Peter, and Dan this Friday, so my paper writing might have to suffer a little. I'm sure you can look for all of these papers on the list of bestsellers soon. More likely, if you ever need any help sleeping I'll send one of these papers over to you you'll be sleeping in no time.

Goin' Pro

I just received news yesterday that I did pass my MA exam. I guess that means that I'll finally have to leave school and go pro. Now I just have two 20 page papers and a 10 page paper to write and I'll be done!

Visual DNA and FOCUS test

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

As you can see, I've copied off of Christine and David to give you my visual DNA. If you look at mine and compare it to David's, you can see that it looks like we have very little in common. This happens on every personality test we take. Take our FOCUS test for instance. That test is so dumb. If you're Catholic and engaged you have to take this test as part of your pre-marriage requirements. I knew David and I were ready to get married, but that test made it look like we barely knew each other. True, we got a 100% on parenting issues, but we also got some 50%'s too. Of course, the Neuliebs were getting married a week before us, so I asked them how their FOCUS test went. I think they were inducted into the FOCUS test hall of fame for their outrageously high score on everything. In fact, I think they now call it the Neulieb test. Just kidding Anne and Peter! Anyhow, I was upset about our scores at the time until I (with the help of Anne) came to the simple realization that David and I are just different people. I'm not the man version of him and he's not the woman version of me, and that's probably why we love each other so much. Oh, I did have one more realization about the focus test. They only make you take that test so that aside from the normal questions, they can slip in a couple of deal breaker questions like, "Has your finace ever hit you?", or "Do you consider murder a reasonable reaction for infidelity?" and the like. So if you've taken the focus test and would like to give your general reactions to your own scores, leave a comment.

MA exam and golf etiquette

I took my MA exam on Thursday and I'm glad to have it finished. I'm not willing to say I passed it because if I didn't pass, then I would look really stupid when I had to make a new post saying I failed my exam. The questions were a lot different than I thought they would be. I was expecting long intricate questions that would test my knowledge on not only the texts but also some smarmy theory to go along with it. Instead I got things like, "Many critics say that older literature cannot portray women as noble characters. Support or refute this claim by using examples from Ovid's Metamorphosis, a medieval work, and a renaissance work." This question struck me as really vague and kind of easy. And that's why I'm concerned I failed the exam. Either the question really was easy or I'm just too dumb to realize the complexities of such a quandary. I pick the latter.

Anyhow, the next day we went golfing for Peter's 22nd birthday. As some of you might know, I played golf in high school and enjoyed it very much. Our team was very good, but I was the worst player on the team. It's nice to get back to the sport and I'd like to play a lot over the summer. David likes playing, but he hates it when I try to tell him about golf etiquette. Golf is one of the only games that I know where you have to be nice or at least follow very strict conventions that make you look like you are being nice. For instance, you should never talk when someone else is getting ready to swing, you should always let a smaller or quicker group play through if you think you'll hold them up, you should always hold or pull the pin for the person who is putting first, always rake your footprints out of the sand trap, etc. Well, every time I try to tell David about these little rules, he just looks at me like I'm some overbearing rule freak who is too concerned with stuffy etiquette. All I'm saying is that I was taught these rules and got in trouble with my coach if he ever saw us breaking one of these rules, so sorry! Jeeze. And I haven't even told David about how you aren't supposed to stand in a person's "line" while putting. I think if I did, he would go bonkers. But really, it's not like I'm using my knowledge of golf rules to lord it over anyone. I just have the courage tell people about proper etiquette.

begging and pleading

Okay... So this isn't a real update. I going to use my own forum to beg and plead with all of my friends and anyone else who reads this blog to pray for me before I take my MA exam. The exam is this Thursday and um...I'm freaking out...just a little. I just made a 48 page study guide that I can go over until Thursday. Please...I know it's Lent and most of you have a lot of things to pray about, but please try to squeeze a couple of prayers in for me.

All about the Benjamin

Okay, in the past two days I have been criticized for not only updating my blog too slowly but also for not reading other people's blogs frequently enough. Sheesh.

I have had great plans to write about my love of literary (and TV) villains. I've also wanted to post on the very real problem of spiritual manipulation. I know it doesn't look like it from my blog, but I actually like to sit and ruminate on these topics before I write about them. Which brings me to the problem. I have had very little time to sit and ruminate about anything lately. And, unlike some people, I did not just jaunt off to some snooty colleges, so I cannot just throw up a post on how those visits went.

Well, I'm not going to talk to you today about villains or spiritual manipulation. Instead, I want to speak to you today about... Benjamin Franklin. I'm required to read this man's autobiography so that I might graduate college with a master's degree. I approached it with a certain degree of hesitation because most of the other reading on my list has been slow going, and that even counts the books that are in my area. So I opened the book last night and found that this is actually a great book and a really quick read. Franklin's style is fun and engaging. His life story reads more like an adventure novel, and I'm only at the part where he's 18 years old. Not only that, but from what I can tell, this guy is a nutcase. He wanted to leave home at 17 to move from Boston to Philadelphia. He was concerned that no boat would take him to Philadelphia alone because of his age. Therefore, he hatched an ingenious plot. Franklin had one of his friends tell a ship captain that he (Franklin) had knocked up a "naughty girl" and had to leave town ASAP. The captain, being a man of the sea, knew all too well about these kinds of scrapes and offered to take him to Philadelphia straight away. There he determined to set up a printing press, and he also made friends with people stranger than fiction.

Perhaps it's because I've been reading only classical and renaissance works for the past two or three years, or perhaps it's because Ben Franklin is just one of those guys who had an amazing life, but I am really enjoying this book. Maybe next I'll read some of Lincoln's speeches or something. All this time I have pushed off reading early American Lit. until I "retire." I've always seen it as kind of beneath the stuff I'm reading now, but who knows? Maybe I can add on early American Lit as a secondary area. That is, if I ever go on to get my PhD.

Un-funny Papers

I've found myself wondering about some weighty topics the past two weeks. For example, what does sectarian Muslim violence in the Middle East mean for the rest of the world? What kind of havoc will Hugo Chavez's socialism unleash on poor South American countries? Am I really serving God to the best of my abilities? But above all I've been pondering this extremely weighty issue: Why do our comics suck so bad? Every day I look, and every day they suck. I want to address this problem full force and list the main culprits in this void of jocularity. I do realize that Lafayette's newspaper or even the Indianapolis Star might not be at the height of comic revelry, and I also realize that there are probably some really cool underground comics I haven't heard about. But I think that syndicated comics have been on a decline ever since Bill Waterson retired and "Calvin and Hobbes" left the newspapers.(Do you italicise comic strip titles? This is not the thing one usually has to look up in the MLA handbook.) So let's take a look at the worst of the worst and then examine the larger issue of why the are so unfunny. P.S. the links and images on blogspot aren't working right now, so I'll add them later.

First up, "Garfield." Yeah, I know that Jim Davis is from Indiana and that only makes it more embarrassing to live in this state. This is seriously the most unfunny, repetitive, and stupid comic strip that ever was produced, and that's even at the height of it's popularity back in the 80's. When I would read this comic as I child I just thought that my reading skills weren't good enough to understand Garfield's jokes, and that's why they weren't funny to me. Imagine that! I thought that Garfield was over my head. Now I just realize that it's an awful cartoon and Jim Davis and his team of "writers" and "illustrators" must be the laziest people alive. Let's take a look at a Garfield from 2/3/07. Scene Panel 1: Garfield standing at the same table/counter top thing he always stands at. Eyes two thirds of the way closed, no smile, one arm propped on the counter top thing. In the little bubble Garfield thinks to himself, "Cat's live on instinct." Panel 2 (same scene) Garfield, same exact position and facial expression, this time with no bubble at all. I guess this is Jim Davis' way of preparing us for the ultrafunny punchline. Panel 3: Garfield, same position but this time with his eyes wide open and a smile on his face. He says, "And my instinct could go for some of those extra-spicy chicken wings." Fin. The masterpiece is complete. Reasons for awfulness: Bad drawing, bad writing, laziness, no sense of humor. One a side note, I did like the Saturday morning Garfield cartoon show they did, and the Halloween special wasn't half-bad (But it was no Disney's "The legend of Sleepy Hollow.") (Am I over using parentheses today?) (I hate that.) Moving on.

"Cathy." I want to vomit every time I see this comic. Take the most annoying, uninteresting, fat lady who you work with, live next to, or "help" with computer questions every Wednesday night at a nondescript local community college and put her in the funny papers. That was the formula for the person whose name I refuse to learn for making up this comic strip. I thought that when Cathy married her obviously gay husband they would go off into the sunset somewhere and try on bathing suits together that are way too small . But no, it kept going. Always fat. Always boring. Always Cathy. It's only more painful to know that women on a diet everywhere have this comic strip hanging on their refrigerators.

"For Better or for Worse." Strike one- It's Canadian and they talk about all their annoying Canadian things. I'm sure if Lynn Johnston could transcribe a Canadian accent in this comic strip she would ('Ey Elizabeth, how's aboot goin' to an 'ockey game and drinkin' some Molson light, eh? I have a mullet, eh?) Strike two- For as bad as Garfield is, I think that it is at least trying to be funny. I think. For Better or For Worse Doesn't even try. It's just a chronicle of a boring family, two geezers, and a dog. Strike three- I can't even imagine that we have to import bad comic strips from an effete nanny state. The last time I checked, we had a surplus of our own terrible comic strips. I'm not sure if that last one really counts as a strike, but I'm running with it.

"Doonesbury." I know what you're thinking, and yes, this comic is about ten times smarter that most other comic strips in syndication. However, Doonesbury to a child is like LSD to a hippie. Think about it. When I read this one as a child, I never understood what was going on, I had the vague sense that someone was insulting me, I didn't know why that one guy never took off his army helmet, and I sure as hell didn't know why a waffle dripping with butter and syrup was standing behind the presidential podium. See, just like an acid trip. As an adult, I dislike it for completely different reasons. It is soooooo arrogantly liberal. And this comic strip is taped up to all the arrogantly liberal professors' office doors in my buildings.

And the last crappy comic award goes to...."B.C." I really don't have a lot to say about this one besides the fact that it has never been funny....ever. Whether it's the fat lady beating a snake with a stick, the one guy looking up stupid definitions in the dictionary, or that same one guy reflecting on the death and Resurrection of Christ, which one can tell from the title hasn't even happend yet, these are all not funny. And at the end of the day, I suppose it really does take talent to make a comic strip that has never caused anyone on the face of the earth to laugh.

This list is in no way comprehensive. If you think something else should have made the list, leave it in the comment box. David kept telling me that I should put Family Circus on the list, but I resisted. I mean, everyone knows that that one isn't funny and people have even put this fact in movies ("Go" 1999) and all other forms of media. Some of you might be looking for Peanuts on this list, but I actually like it. There's something about a bird that talks in all apostrophes that really cracks me up. What the hell is Woodstock saying? ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''! Is he calling for help, or asking someone out on a date? I have no idea. I also like the fact that the entire "Peanuts" gang seems to be orphaned and must fend for themselves. It adds a little grit to what looks like just another sweet comic strip on the surface. Oh, and I like the fact that Snoopy has delusions of grandeur. That stuff is great. The Halloween and Christmas specials rock, too. And some of you might remember that the wedding party song at our reception was "The Ballad of Linus and Lucy," which is a truly awesome song.

Some people might say, "Monica, when you become fat and boring/ get a lazy cat/ become a liberal professor/ expatriate to Canada/ become a Christian caveman, you'll think these comic strips are funny too." And I'll say to those people, "No. I will not." It's true that our senses of humor change with our age and situation. For instance, I no longer think that "The Muppet Show" is funny. Well, actually I do. That's a funny show. The point is that one should not shape what they think is funny solely by their station in life. I really hope that I won't find "Family Circus" funny when I have kids. The thought of it actually terrifies me a great deal. That comic strip promotes the untrue idea that every time a child mispronounces something or breaks something it turns into comic genius.

So, if these comic strips aren't funny, why do people read them? Because I truly don't believe that most people think they are funny. I think the reason has to be that many people find these comic strips comforting, and that comfort is confused for humor. At least for me, if something is funny, it either has to be sharp, ironic, witty, or slightly subversive. And I don't mean in any complete overthrowing of social mores sort of way. I just mean that it's funny enough to make me slightly uncomfortable because it points out the stupidity of something I or people I know do. Cathy, on the other hand, points out the stupid things that people do and at the end tells people it's okay because other people do it too. It's the same thing with Doonesbury. Liberals can feel good about the fact that they will never be as stupid as those silly red state types. It's the comfort factor. These are just my opinions. Perhaps "For Better or For Worse" is really a laugh riot and I'm too stupid to realize it.

With all that being said, what are the funny comic strips? Well, I already mentioned "Calvin and Hobbes." That will always be the funniest in my mind. Foxtrot was funny, but it's slipping pretty fast. Andy Capp. Now that's funny. Any comic strip about a drunk in a domestic abuse situation is comic gold. I actually think that the idea of Andy Capp is funnier than Andy Capp itself, but still.

So there you have it. Unfunny comic strips and the reason for their existence. Comment or criticize freely.

Volunteer

I've been thinking about joining the Peace Corps. David says I'm crazy and Claire says the Peace Corps. is immoral. Okay, how about the Catholic Relief Service volunteer program? That should be pretty good. Is it weird that I want to run away TO Nicaragua? Most people are running from it. This is probably just a passing fantasy that I have because I feel like I'm not doing anything useful for mankind by cooping myself up in a classroom and listening to people drone on and on about John Donne. But, I mean, I don't even like camping. Volunteering would be like a 2 year long and very hard camping trip, right? I don't know. Maybe I'll just go home and vacuum.