So, as everyone on this planet knows by now, it has been revealed that Pluto is not a planet. Evidently, this makes some people very angry. I think I heard that some people were even considering declaring war on NASA. My first reaction was "who cares?" I have more interesting and exotic planets to worry about, like say, Earth. And just because Pluto isn't a planet, that doesn't mean that it has ceased to exist. In fact, maybe Pluto feels relieved to shrug off its planetary constraints and responsibilities.

Maybe another reason why I am so unaffected by this news is that I knew it was bound to happen. No, I am not an expert astronomer. I'm not even an amateur astronomer. However, I am a Classics major, and according to some people, that makes me smarter than the 99.73 percent of Earth's inhabitants who are not Classics majors. I will show everyone why Pluto was bound to meet it's fate as a lowly dwarf planet using my special Classics knowledge.

Here goes. Pluto was the Roman god of the underworld. You may know him better as Hades, which is the name most of the Greeks knew him by. There were twelve gods of Greek and Roman mythology who resided on Mt. Olympus. The Greeks and Romans had several more gods, but these were the only ones who got to party and have sex romps on Olympus. The Olympians are as follows: Jupiter, Juno, Apollo, Diana, Mars, Venus, Ceres, Neptune, Hestia/Bacchus, Minerva, Mercury, Vulcan (Note- these are all the Roman names). Pluto was not allowed to party on Olympus because he was a lame, mopey guy who constantly had to keep an eye on the underworld. Now, think of our solar system as Mt. Olympus. We have Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Neptune, Mercury, Earth, Saturn, who is the god of cars, and Uranus, who is the god of ....well, never mind. Pluto is not allowed in our pantheon of planets for the same reason that the god Pluto was not allowed on Olympus. Its a lame, mopey planet that rules over the underworld of space. So I say let's stop blubbering over Pluto and start engaging in some inter- galactic planetary space parties the way it was intended to be.

Until next time, remember kids: Mary's Violet Eyes Make John Stay Up Nights (no Period)