Ol' Shakesy asked the above question in Romeo and Juliet, and I've been thinking about names, specifically naming children, since Laura posted last week on the name Lawrence. You see, I have scores of great names picked out for our future children. I want to name my children after early saints and classical and literary figures. But whenever I let slip a name I'm contemplating, the same trite argument rears its head. This argument is known as The Infallible Playground Doctrine set forth by the Senate of Concerned Grandparents, Nosy Friends, and Boring Aunts in 1895. The argument can be summed up as the following: "You can't name your child that!!! He'll be made fun of and be beaten up on the playground for sure." And from this argument, many great names have been shot down in favor of more normal or common names. I'm here today to write against the above doctrine and promote a new one. This new argument is called They Are My Kids and I am Going to Name Them Whatever The Hell I Want, So Shut Up. I have three basic arguments against the Playground Doctrine.
1. They are my kids and I am going to name them whatever the hell I want, so shut up.
If my husband and I agree to name our first son Xenophanes Hezekiah Milkbone BB Gun Josephus Snowglobe O'Neil, that's what we're going to name him. Why? Because it's our baby, we made him, and we're going to name him. I must say that I have no problem with common names. In fact, I like a lot of them. I love the names John, Michael, David, etc. And I am not going to purposely give my child an uncommon name just for the sake of it being uncommon. But if I find myself drawn to an uncommon name, I'm not going to be detracted by some old lady.
2. EVERYONE IS MADE FUN OF ON THE PLAYGROUND. EVERYONE.
Let's do a little informal poll. How many of you were ever made fun of on the playground? I'm guessing 100%. Now, how many of you were made fun of on the playground for something other than your name? I'm guessing close to 100%. From this we can deduce that giving your child a common name will not prevent him or her from being made fun of on the playground. My children are going to have red hair, pale skin, little knowledge of pop culture, and possibly 700 food allergies. If they are made fun of for their name only, it would be a massive blessing. I mean, children are made fun of for coming to school with dried up snot rivers mixed with dirt running down their faces, and yet parents still send them to school that way. Kids are made fun of for weighing 300 pounds in the 2nd grade, and yet parents still send them to school that way. So what, in God's name, is wrong with sending your kid to school with a name like Aloysius? And yet the parents of the 300 pound 2nd grader with snot rivers are the people telling me that I just can't name my kid Augustine Leonidas O'Neil. Well, I can and I will.
3. An odd name with personal meaning and importance is preferable to a common or popular one without.
Go to the mall and yell out the name Dakota. See how many children turn their heads. If it's less than 4,000 I'd be surprised. Now yell out the name Augustine. If one kid turns his head I would be equally surprised. Perhaps all 4,000 children were named Dakota because their parents were inspired by that part of the country. That's fine, but I am not inspired by that part of the country. At least, not enough to name my kid that. Maybe my cat. Nah, I wouldn't even name my cat that. The point is that the name should mean something to the parents and they should pass that meaning on to their child.
Finally, I've known lots of people with odd names, and as far as I know none of them died of shame one the playground. These names include Leaf, Patience, Song, Glade, Prentice, and so on. When contemplating the names of your children, disregard the playground argument, and whatever you do, don't regurgitate it.
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19 comments:
My thoughts:
If you give your child an unusual name, let it be one they can be proud of. How much better Augustine than Mackenzie.
Also, stick to traditional spellings. I really hate it when someone spells their kid's name Krystan instead of Kristin.
And, if the child has a difficult to pronounce name, make sure he or she has a suitable nickname. This is especially important for a child who has young siblings.
Lastly, give girl children names that sound pretty. Urgulanilla, is not a good name. Yes, all children get made fun of, but you don't need to ask for it.
P.S. Think twice if you're considering the name Dorcus.
Making me laugh out loud - once again, Miss Monica (this time at work)! And, of course, I totally agree with you!
It's funny how much people like to tell you their opinions about your kid's name, particularly when you don't ask for it. Just this weekend some name came up and my grandma said, "That's about as bad as Athanasius." And I just kind of looked at her.
What did she expect me to say? Did she think I was going to agree with her? If I thought Athanasius was a bad name, I probably wouldn't have chosen it for my son. As it happens, I love the name Athanasius AND his story and that's why I gave it to him.
Do not be deterred by the older ladies! :o)
P.S. I can't wait to see what beautiful names your children do end up with!
I am now completely enamored of the name Milkbone. Perhaps I will have to settle for it as a nickname.
I named my cats Titus Apollonius and Clement Augustine. Too bad they threw up one too many times on the living room carpet and I had to give them to a crazy cat lady. I infinitely preferred them to Bertram, the stinking dog, however; being named after one of the funniest British literary characters of all time is almost as cool as having kick ass Saints names!
M.
P.s. Is it proper to refer to Saint's names as "kick ass"?
P.p.s. Is kick ass supposed to be hyphenated?
http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSWEL7556320070808
WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A New Zealand couple is looking to call their newborn son Superman -- but only because their chosen name of 4Real has been rejected by the government registry.
We had a classmate at Wabash named Alpha Omega Newberry IV.
We called him "Al."
Hey, My mother wouldn't even say Shaelin's name for a couple of years. Seems I was suppose to call her Jennifer. Much better a name of character than say "Blue Jeans" which was one of the names from the 70s. p.s. Mom now loves the name Shaelin.
I'm not sure if it's from all this baby name business but I had a dream last night that Mary had sixtuplets. If my dream comes true Mary you can give 6 kick ass saint names to your children.
Six?!! I have always thought that twins would be awesome, but six at one time might be a little overkill in the multiples department. Although, Bob has already named me the queen of fertility so I guess it's not out of the realm of possibility. I think if I had six at once I might stray from the Saint's names and do something cool and hip like States names or Sports teams.
For example, North and South Dakota or Crimson and Bruin. The possibilities are endless. Does anyone else think that Montana is a cool name for a kid?
M.
I do not wish six infants at one time on you, Mary. In fact, I no longer even think twins would be that cute. At least not for that first month and a half! I mean I am looking forward to many more children, but I'm really hoping for one. at. a. time.
Careful what you wish for, Anne. You'll end up with triplets, at least!
M.
It does run in our family to have twins. Our Grandmother had two sets of twins and miscarried a set of triplets. So, I'm not sure if the saying in true but if it IS and twins skip generations, Anne and/or I are in for it!
Twins would be neat. But if I ever have twins I hope my older ones are old enough to actually be a little more helpful around the house.
And back to the topic of names.
How about Naomi Elizabeth?
monica, i think you are wrong to make snowglobe a middle name. that is clearly a first-name name.
Caitie B! You're reading this! Good. Tell me why you won't let me comment on your blog!! Is it because I said I hate Oprah? I'll be very nice and quote her and Dr. Phil all the time... actually, I'll probably be just as obnoxious in your comments section as everyone else's...but really funny, I promise! I'll swear and say off colour things and drop delicious little bombs like how I lock myself in the bedroom, eat bon-bons, and read People magazine. Oh yeah, and smoke crack. Please, please, please let me comment... we'd have so much fun!!
M.
Shaelin-
Per arguments 1 and 3 in this post, my opinion really doesn't matter. But the first name is biblical (as is the second, of course) and has the added bonus of being the name of addressee in one of my favorite Bible quotes: Ruth 1:16-17.
The only suggestion I have is to be kind to your child. I communicate with many people over the internet, I usually do not have a personal picture with my name... so most see me as a guy. This can be quite confusing when I talk about a cute guy, or my boyfriend... I also went to school online (no in person meetings) so in my bio I always had to put in big bold letters "I AM A GIRL"!
Also it limits who I can marry because I just could not bring myself to gain the last name Pope, or Roads!
monica, this post gave me a bad dream last night...i was adopting a child from russia, and all of a sudden someone told me that i had to think of a name RIGHT AWAY because as soon as i saw the kid i would have to name it and it would have that name forever...and so i was trying to think really fast of russian-origin names for girls that wouldn't sound too weird in america...i finally came up with anastasia, but it was a stressful experience!!
M. -
My blog is now open for business! You may comment away! And yes, I do welcome any discussion of 'da crack CO-caine'. But keep away from the locking yourself in the bedroom/ bon-bons/ People magazine thing.. that will just remind me of my mother..
P.S. I've put you on the Oprah.com mailing list, e-mail list, call list, and their any-other-form-of-communication-that-is-ever-invented list.. plus I wrote "I HATE OPRAH" on the message boards and attached your name and address..
GOOD LUCK!
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